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- Sarah Vowell thinks that Americans should be thanking the 11,000 loyal patriots who perished on British prison ships instead of some Mayflower-cruising Jesus freaks.
- Stephen looks for ways to reunite a town divided by Abraham Lincoln. (7:07)
- After Stephen's viewers vote-bombed their website, the Saginaw Spirit named their mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, and then enjoyed a victory. (4:18)
- Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin tells Stephen that if Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he might be the host of The Colbert Report. (6:15)
- Foreign tourists have more trouble entering the United States than any other country, so the U.S. Government is turning to Disney to re-imagineer the customs process. (3:37)
- Stephen has advice for the president: send everyone to Iraq. Americans need to sacrifice more. (3:51)
- Stephen examines whether or not Barack Obama is black with the help of Debra Dickerson. (6:39)
- As a child, Stephen gave up his velvet hat and jodhpurs to play center field. (3:02)
- Stephen gives detailed instruction for how to properly steal Abraham Lincoln's body and adds a moldering stovepipe hat to the bookshelf. (1:25)









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